Reflections

I am one of those people who often reflects on my childhood. I recall people and places that made an impact on me.
There are two ministers who served at my childhood church during my teens who really impacted my life. I think it is OK to go ahead and use their names.
One was John Payne. He was a man with such a gentle spirit. Always able to say things in a way that were profound, founded in truth and yet soothing. But he was an honest man and he was respected in our community. As we grow up we often lose touch and we wonder how people are doing in their new life circumstances. I haven't talked to John Payne in years. I talked to his youngest son when I decided to adopt my son. He is a doctor and I wanted medical advice. He was very helpful. Yet when that happened I realized that we can often build up a memory in our mind and then when we are allowed to revisit those people we see them from our grown up vantage point. No disappointment just difference. It is sometimes hard to reconcile the new reality with what we have idealized. Life changes.
This week I spoke for the first time in 22 years with the minister who performed my wedding. His name is Benny Benjamin and he is one of the people I respect most from my childhood. Benny is also kind, gentle and understanding. He worked with us as a group of kids in a small church in TN with patience and love.
He was always willing to step out and do things that were not "in line" with the status quo. Benny and his wife Judy adopted children while they were at our church and after. They hosted en exchange student from Iran in the late 70's or early 80's. They demonstrated God's love without boundaries. I don't know if I put those things in my mental image or what but seems my life in many ways has been similar, if less to be admired. So this past week we were talking about Benny and I looked him up on the wonderful internet and found him. I picked up the phone and called him not knowing if he would remember me. He really helped me. We talked about his life now and my life now and he made two statements that really opened my eyes. The first was humorous to me. He said "Do you still sing?" For years in my teen life, singing and being a part of a band was all that I lived for. I really thought that someday it would be my career. We performed at every summer wedding for a couple summers, at church get togethers, at office parties,etc. Our group changed forms several times but it always was such an important part of our lives. But today those who know me and even those who have known me for 15 years or so probably have no clue that it was once such an important part of my life. And that is fine. I don't have those dreams anymore. It was just fun to be reminded.
Second, when I was telling Benny about the new school and some of the other adventures I have undertaken in the last 10+ years he said "You were always that way" and he said it in a good way. Wow. Someone who knows me. Someone who understands my spirit. Someone who I can share my history with.
In my current life situation there are many good people. Many kind people. Many people who are influencing my life. But I always feel like I am treading water, trying to establish my identity with them. I fear they see my in a rather one or two dimensional way and not as I really am.
My life circumstances have caused me to approach people in a different way and I am sure that is what God wants and what I am suppose to be learning. But it is hard.
No one wants to have to sell themselves to others. We want people to just see us for who we are and for who God made us to be.
I know that the past experiences in my life have been though God and for him. They don't have anything to do with me. And there is much more that is yet to be done.
I was brought to where I am now for a reason and I am sure of that. I try to ask everyday to be shown what I need to do and to make sure that I am doing it for the right reasons.
But, it's a very slippery slope to climb. My roots in life have always been wide and shallow. Easily transplanted to the next situation or place. Not what I would have chosen and often extremely frustrating.
I don't know where I am going or who I will meet along the way. That is why I really do consider my life a journey.
But I do have faith that I am not alone.
So I keep walking to the new experiences, but it is good when you get the chance to revisit old friends. To ground yourself a bit with your own history. Because it is often forgotten in the rush for new identity.