Through the fog

This afernoon I took a nap. I dreamed and when I awoke the world was divided into two phases again, the world before the nap and the world after. I don't usually have this feeling after sleeping at night.
But lately, I get very tired and often take a mid afternoon nap and if I dream it is usually a strange mixture of the past and the potential future. In sharp contrast to my current here and now.
So awakening from those dreams is like walking through thick fog to try to get back to a place you know.
When I am busy I don't have to think, but those naps clear out all the clutter of the day and I am forced to face what plaques me most. Forced to think and feel.
I remember back on October 13, 2003 my prayer before bed was that God would show me how to truly open up to others. How to truly experience life. A huge event the next day seemed to put me in the place to do that for the first time in my life. But still I struggle with it. I would rather be busy and do things.
My life is open and out there and I tell people how I feel and I ask them for their help. But still, there is a distance.
The fog is clearer sometimes, but never gone.
There is a line in a song I like that says. "I haven't accomplished much, but I dream of more." And another that says, "There's a void in my heart, I can't seem to fill, do charity work when I believe in the cause, but my soul it bothers me still."
In the movie "What Dreams May Come" Robin Williams spends his afterlife trying to reconnect with his kids and to save his wife who is still in this life. It is a murky, heavy, thought provoking film. But similar to how I feel sometimes now.
I do believe that our dreams can carry meaning and can help us clarify our daily lives. I hope those dreams keep coming and I keep clearing the fog. But may I never get too comfortable in the familiar. The pain of the day is worth the clarity it can bring in the things that really matter.