My Journey Now

Revisiting Widows and Orphans

2007-06-21T10:54:00.000-05:00

“Religion that God
our Father accepts
as pure and faultless
is this: to look after
orphans and widows
in their distress…”
— James 1:27 (tniv
Why?
Powerless, vulnerable, needy....
What is it that makes pure religion so hard?
Time, money, effort, consistency?
The ability to see Jesus in all, especially those who need something from us.
Inequality?
Wow, a narrow path. Who will find it?
So many questions.
Did you ever wonder why Jesus seemed to spend a lot of time teaching about the first being last, and no respecting of person and helping the poor and not being like the Pharisees?
Why is the path narrow with few who find it?
Why do we spend so much "church" time on programs, organized ministries, corporate worship, nationalism, and on and on?
Why do we hire ministers, build large buildings, hire staff, and ignore those on the pews?
Where are we lost?
I don't know. Human nature maybe?
Since I have become a widow of sorts I have pondered this and seen it from both sides.
I have had many kindnesses extended to me and I apprecaite all those, but at the end of the day, I still try to figure it out alone, as a woman trying to raise two children on my own.
Occasional, short lived gestures are wonderful. Better would be a committment from someone to take on the task of helping.
Better would be not brining myself to programs, but hands coming my way.
I am not alone. I hear this cry often from the last..... ignored by the first...
If we are the body.... you know the song.
What about me, how often have I reached out.
I don't have any answers for you today, and I am not convicting anyone on purpose.
But I can't skip over these verses any longer without feeling the sting inside.

Control

2006-02-22T17:59:00.000-06:00

Each day holds new promise and new problems. Each day can become your greatest or your worst. The hard part is you don't know. You have to be willing to step out and continue stepping until you find your way. Many of us pursue the safest path available. We walk a line we know well. We keep things in tight control and try not to look to the side.
Each day as I drive to school I am on a road that is a ridge on the side of a mountain. I have often been easily frightened when I realize that there is probably about a 3 inch shoulder on this two lane road that has drop offs that are much steeper than tall buildings.
Today, there was fog...................
You get the picture. I couldn't see the drop offs but I knew they were there. In fact sometimes I could barely see in front of me. I often feel as if I can't breath when I can't see what is in front of me and can't tell where I am going while driving.
So much more in life. I have always wanted to plan things out, to know what is coming next and to control in every way possible all the outcomes.
It is funny how life can throw something unexpected your way and make you realize that we really have no control.
I know many of us think we do.
But we really don't. We control nothing.
We can lose our jobs tomorrow, we can lose our spouse and children to accident or illness. We can lose our freedom. We ultimately control NOTHING. We live in a fabricated sense of security that we have created by beleiving that we have any control.
When we are ultimately called on this fallacy we can do one of two things. We can fall apart and get very scared. Or we can realize that we were never in control anyway. We can realize that only God is in control and he is always there. Our choice is to seek his will for our life or to try to control it ourself. But ultimately it doesn't change the amount of control we have.
I am often blown away when I realize how much has been given to me and how much I don't appreciate it.
As I get older I lose more friends and loved ones to death.
I have no control, they have no control.
We do better to turn the control back over to God. He has it anyway. We only think we do. There is a great sense of peace that comes in letting God run the show and seeking his wisdom in our decisions.
It is very scary to think that way too. It is the greatest risk and the least risky path all at the same time. It is all in our perception.
Ultimately it is not about me. But it matters how I deal with it all. I impact those around me and those who I come into contact with.
Since I dont' have control I seek to put myself where God wants me and then try to always think of that as I react.
What great things that come my way when I view life that way. What great stress it takes from my shoulders. What peace I can feel.
I hope you can find it too.
Today I was reminded again of control and our choices in life. I was thumbing through a book I haven't looked at in a couple month. I found a note from a friend. The friend just passed away last week. Seeing her note in her own handwriting made me very sad that those wonderful hands will no longer write anything physically, but then I was reminded of all the wonderful things she had written on our hearts and how she totally knew all about control, who had it and who didn't. And she accepted that with wonderful grace. I wish that for each of us.

Happy New Year 2006

2006-01-01T20:00:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone!
Happy new year 2006~~.
I am happy that a new year has started. For some reason I feel I can really accomplish something this year.
Of course, I probably feel that way every year. I don't remember. The older I get the less I remember about each passing year!
I have started to try to throw some things away in the last few days. That is a big thing for me. Next I will try to organize what is left.
After that I will try to put things where they belong on a regular basis.
How is this sounding so far? Realistic for most. Impossible for me I am sure. But I will give it a try.
I didn't stay up till midnight last night, but I was up about every two hours. I just missed the magic 12 midnight mark, but did see 12:05!
It looked the same I think. There were people in the neighborhood shooting off fire works or fire crackers as we called them in Tennessee. I don't know why. Does anyone have the origin of fire cracker. How about hose pipe and movie house!
But I digress......
I hope to continue my pursuit to totally revolutionize the education system this year. Also, to promote world peace. I think keeping our goals realistic makes them easier to attain.
I really have nothing to say. I thought I did. I will check back in when I do. Please feel free to commment. It makes me happy!
Jan

Grocery shopping with ADD

2005-12-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

Several friends and relatives have asked me to post a blog in the last few days.
I have not been inspired!
The holidays, trying to keep our new school afloat and the daily life issues are almost too much sometimes.
I have also recently had to wrestle with a string of migraines that have knocked me out of some great opportunities for fun, such as Thanksgiving with my new nephew and his parents. Recently I had a pretty bad head cold for all my Christmas visitors to enjoy. But alas, I am feeling better.
So today just prior to the arrival of my dear friend Becky from Nashville, I decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store. The kids decided they might like to come along.
This would not be a problem for most people. But for me with a raging case of ADD aggravated by a head cold, thyroid condition and life issues it is almost too much.
I had a short list of about 15 items. Of course I came home with about 50. But that isn't the fun part.
My son who is now 11 and such a great kid, decided he wanted to push the buggy. My daughter decided to wear he clunky shoes which make it very hard for her to walk and balance at the same time.
The list was not in order of occurrence in the store, so the items were jumbled at best.
Now, I have about a 50% chance of getting all the items on a 15 item list on a great day, when I am full of energy and shopping alone with no distractions!
But today with the two arguing children, one who kept running into me with the buggy it was harder to remember what I had already found on the list and what I was still looking for. To add insult to injury I just bought a jumbo sized purse, (the reasons for that can be explained in a subsequent email), so finding a pen in this dark cave with a real trick. But I finally found the pen and marked off well over half the items. But then the sulking, staring man came along. I seemed to run into him on every isle. He was giving me that disapproving look that families like mine often get. I tried to ignore him while keeping the kids close enough not to receive any private comments from him.
The list even containing only 4 or 5 items was not in order so I kept forgetting what the 4 or 5 items were no matter how often I checked it.
All it takes is one question about cereal or incident of falling off shoes and I am totally obliviously to the items still on my list.
Finally I had one item left on my list and of course I was on about isle 15 and the item was on isle one! So we walked all the way across the store to get said item. Vinegar for those keeping track! And who do we run into right in front of the vinegar? You got it, the disapproving man! Well, I just got my vinegar and left him in the ketchup garden.
We finally made it to the check out at which point the kids ran ahead of me to get gum and I couldn't fit into the check out to start unloading my cart. The 150 year old lady didn't have a bag boy helping her and she was not in a good mood! Then she informed me that I must have a bad potato in my bag due to the smell. She asked if I had a ______ card and of course it was also at the bottom of the pit in my bag. I found it and scanned it so I could get my discount. Pulled the kids out of the lane, unloaded my cart and waited while my potato bag was inspected. I guess they didn't notice the leaking milk!
Well, this ADD store trip was completed when I started putting my groceries in the car only to find that I was parked right beside, YOU GUESSED it, the sulking, disapproving man!
I drove away knowing that we all create our own bad moods, that I have the two best kids in the world and that soon my friend would be at my home and I could relax with coffee, chocolate and conversation!
Life is full of little pit stops but having ADD makes them somehow flower and bloom in the strangest places.

Enjoy the new year. I got an email today from IMS and wanted to share their thoughts.
From The International Montessori Society

May the New Year be the year in which the realization dawns in the minds of people across the globe that there is indeed only one humanity not separate kinds of humanity, on planet Earth.

May individuals everywhere, rich and poor, in the bustling cities in the quiet countryside, from whatever station in life, no matter their color or creed - may all individuals who consider themselves members of the human family - offer their prayers for those who are suffering and in mourning.

May those who have the strength to do, help to heal those who have been hurt or who are sick. And may those who have the means to do so, become friends and caretakers of those who have been left alone, especially the children and the elderly.

May the New Year be the year in which the world comes together to cooperate in new and surprising ways.

May the New Year be the year in which the government of each country opens its heart of generosity to answer the cries of those in desperate need.

May the people of each country offer their unique talents and expertise to bring healing and renewal to the ones who are now downtrodden and without hope.

May this year be the year in which our actions are undertaken with the welfare of all beings in mind.

May our intentions be aimed more toward the expansion of happiness in our lives, and less toward the accumulation of things.

May this be the year all of us come to understand that means of defeating the enemies of world peace and progress are bonds between nations that are built of mutual respect,

May this be the year we come to know that no army can defeat the power of love in men's hearts.

May this be the year we realize that the forces of division and hatred and war are no match for the overwhelming numbers of individuals on earth who want to practice peace, if they consciously choose who choose to walk hand in hand along the path of acceptance and forgiveness.

May all those carrying enmity in their hearts and bearing arms against others this year hear the clarion call of reconciliation.

May neighbor reach out to neighbor to discover new common ground, new ways to appreciate one another, new opportunities to learn from and enjoy each other's company.

May this be the year for hope to be transformed into reality. By Andrew Kutt

Tagged again.

2005-11-11T11:19:00.000-06:00

I am suppose to post 10 little known facts about myself.
I will do so for your amusement! Just to show what can be packed into 45 years!

1.) I was a radio announcer when I graduated high school. I did this for several years.
2.) I was a hair stylist in high school and trained as such! I also sang in bands from the time I was about 13 until after I got married. I always thought I would do that forever, but didn't.
3.) I was a professional photographer for a few years during my early 20's.
4.) I have lived in over 20 houses in my life, in over 1o towns and have attended more than 12 schools from 1st grade to college graduation.
5.) I have been consumed by basket weaving, quilting, crochet and various other hand crafts from time to time in my life.
6.) I should have been a psychologist, but accounting was sold as more profitable by my college advisor!
7.) I do have a CPA and do practice accouting.
8.) I have been married for over 23 years.
9.) I have two of the smartest, sweetest, most talented, beautiful children who ever lived!
10.) I need to add at least 10 more items to this list!

An added bonus

2005-11-06T22:10:00.000-06:00

Well, I am playing blog tag. I was asked to go to my 23 post and find the 5th line. It says, "that was just an added bonus" Referring to getting to see John Fogerty when I went to a John Mellencamp concert.
I don't know who else to tag, so I will just skip out of this game.
I am breaking the proverbial chain. But I guess for some of you that is an added bonus!!.
Read my old blogs. I am too tired to post anything new tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Storms of Life

2005-08-31T17:09:00.000-05:00

Who would have thought when we moved to Alabama a little over two years ago that we would have now lived through parts of three hurricaines! I guess I should have. The first weekend we were here so many tornados came close by that there was natural disaster funding for insurance companies and my kids picked up hands full of golf ball sized hail.
Of course, those are not the only storms of life. With us loss of power means lots of extra worries. How do you crank a small generator when it doesn't want to start? How do you know how much you can hook up to it. How do you move a 190lb man from a bed to a chair, move a mattress and get the man back on the bed again? How do you keep your cold stuff cold when the fridge is not working. Oh, and what about air conditioning?
I have decided my favorite American of all time is Benjamin Franklin followed by Thomas Edison. I alo have deciced that the wonderful people at Alabama Power are my heroes. We have power back!! Only out about 30 hours this time.
All that really pales in comparison to what we are seeing on the news in LA, Miss and coastal Al. There is nothing to restore power to for most of those people. Most have no where to go. Things are terrible and they need help. I hope we can find ways to help them in the coming weeks and months.
I want to thank my ever faithful neighbors Brian and Sue for always being there for me. If it wasn't for Brian helping us get the generator started to run a lamp and a fan and occasionally the t.v. things would have been much worse.
The calls from both sets of parents were uplifting too. But at times like this I really know how far I am from home and how much I need my family and their helping hands.
I hope I can be renewed through all this to help others more. We all really do need each other and as much as some people don't like the saying, it does take a village. Lets all work together.
For deeper spiritual thoughts go to my other blog Deep In Spirit at http://deepinspirit.blogspot.com/
Jan

Through the fog

2005-07-31T17:17:00.000-05:00

This afernoon I took a nap. I dreamed and when I awoke the world was divided into two phases again, the world before the nap and the world after. I don't usually have this feeling after sleeping at night.
But lately, I get very tired and often take a mid afternoon nap and if I dream it is usually a strange mixture of the past and the potential future. In sharp contrast to my current here and now.
So awakening from those dreams is like walking through thick fog to try to get back to a place you know.
When I am busy I don't have to think, but those naps clear out all the clutter of the day and I am forced to face what plaques me most. Forced to think and feel.
I remember back on October 13, 2003 my prayer before bed was that God would show me how to truly open up to others. How to truly experience life. A huge event the next day seemed to put me in the place to do that for the first time in my life. But still I struggle with it. I would rather be busy and do things.
My life is open and out there and I tell people how I feel and I ask them for their help. But still, there is a distance.
The fog is clearer sometimes, but never gone.
There is a line in a song I like that says. "I haven't accomplished much, but I dream of more." And another that says, "There's a void in my heart, I can't seem to fill, do charity work when I believe in the cause, but my soul it bothers me still."
In the movie "What Dreams May Come" Robin Williams spends his afterlife trying to reconnect with his kids and to save his wife who is still in this life. It is a murky, heavy, thought provoking film. But similar to how I feel sometimes now.
I do believe that our dreams can carry meaning and can help us clarify our daily lives. I hope those dreams keep coming and I keep clearing the fog. But may I never get too comfortable in the familiar. The pain of the day is worth the clarity it can bring in the things that really matter.

Politics and religion, lets throw music in there too!

2005-07-29T16:01:00.000-05:00

Hi, the last time I posted about a concert I had just returned from a wonderful spiritual journey known as a Steven Curtis Chapman concert! Well, Wednesday night I went back to my old home town of Nashville to see John Cougar Mellencamp.
Believe it or not, another spiritual journey.
My ten year old son and eight year old daughter along with my sister and her boyfriend and I went to see Mr. Mellencamp and John Fogerty. That was just an added bonus. I always felt as a teen that I had missed my decade because I love 60-early 70's music like Creedence Clearwater Revival. So I was thrilled to know that John Fogerty would be touring with John Mellencamp.
They were both great. Very solid performers and still able to put on a a fantastic show in 90 degree heat at an outdoor venue.
But the music is so much a vehicle for that spiritual journey that I am still on.
So lets just say that even though the crowd was a little different, the effect was no less "spiritual" at this conert than the last. I highly recommend it.
So here is another few songs for you to ponder. If you get the change you might want to see this show this summer. It won't last forever.

Now More Than Ever

Written by John Mellencamp

If you believe
Won't you please raise your hands
Let's hear your voices
Let us know where you stand
Don't shout from the shadows
Cause it won't mean a d---
Now more than ever

CHORUS
Now more than ever
The world needs love
Not just a slogan
But the world needs love
Now more than ever
I can't stand alone
Now more than ever

If I was to buy you
A diamond ring
Make you my princess
Would it mean anything
Would you take me for granted
And just curse my name
Now more than ever

CHORUS

Who am I to say
What needs to be done
I'm just nobody
Another lost one
Caught between what's left
And what needs to be done
Now more than ever
The loss of love
The loss of our dreams
It's not too late

CHORUS

Love and Happiness

Written by John Mellencamp

Well, we're droppin' our bombs
In the southern hemisphere
And people are starving
That live right here
And they're tearing down walls
In the name of peace
And they're killing each other
In the Middle East

CHORUS
But love and happiness
Have forgotten our names
And there's no value left
In love and happiness

They raise the price of oil
And they censor our mouths
If you are a young couple today
Forget buying a house
And we wage or wars
In the neighborhoods
We kill the young to feed the old
And man that ain't no good

CHORUS

So, if you sell arms
Or you run dope
You got respect
And you got hope
But the rest of us die
On your battle fields
With wounds that fester and bleed
But never heal

CHORUS
But love and happiness
Have forgotten our names
And there's no value left
In love and happiness

Walk Tall

Written by: John Mellencamp
(Note links with an * at the end appear on the album version. Lines with % at the end appear on the single version.)

The simple minded
And the uninformed
Can be easily led astray
And those that cannot connect the dots
Hey look the other way
People believe what they want to believe
When it makes no sense at all
So be careful of those killing in Jesus’s name*
He don’t believe in killing at all*

And I wish you a long sight line %
And the strength to walk tall %

Walk tall
Yeah walk on
Through this world
Walk tall

Somewhere out in the distance
Is the death of you and me
Even though we don’t think of it much
It’s still out there for us to see
If you treat life like a ballroom fight
You’ll die stinking of gin
No drunkards are allowed in heaven
No sinners will get in

Walk tall
Yeah, walk on
Walk tall
Through this world
Walk tall

So be careful in what you believe in
There’s plenty to get you confused
And in this land called paradise
You must walk in many men’s shoes
Bigotry and hatred are enemies to us all
Grace, mercy and forgiveness
Will help a man walk tall

So walk tall
Yeah, walk on
Walk tall
Through this world
Through this world
Yeah, walk tall
Then walk on
Walk tall
Then walk on
Through this world
Through this world
Through this world
Through this world
Walk tall
Walk tall
Then walk on
Walk tall

Thank You

Written by: John Mellencamp

Let me say thank-you to those who love many
Let me say thank-you to those who still play fair
Hallelujah, the meek shall inherit
Let me say thank-you to all you people out there, out there
Let me say grace for those who don’t feel they matter
May God look down on all the soldiers of this Earth
Trying to find peace in this world that house so many
Let me say grace for those who feel lost from birth, lost from birth

Let’s give a smile for those who feel that they have nothing
Let me shake the hand of Johnny Doe out on the street
Let’s give a wink for those girls who don’t feel pretty

Let’s find some water for those who need a drink, need a drink

And when I see so many broken and lonely
Soon to be entering Heaven’s door
Let me count the ways
Let me count the blessings
That no man should feel lonely anymore

Let me say good luck to the people raising families
Let me say thank-you to the men who grow the bread
And here’s to dreams of a bigger, brighter future
And that we all got someone to keep the stones from our bed

Let me say thank-you to those who love many
Let me say thank-you for those who still play fair
Hallelujah, the meek shall inherit
Let me say thank-you to all you folks out there
All you people out there

Good, Good News

2005-06-10T07:01:00.000-05:00

My son loves that song. Good News. It is a Gaither Vocal Band song. I know, I know, you either really like them or think they are that country, sticky sweet fake gospel type music. Well, I was raised with a grandmother who called Marty Stewart her little boyfriend when watchng the Grand Ole Opry. I was part of a few bluegrass bands, rock bands, accapella groups,etc growing up. I like music. It doesn't concern me where it comes from or what type is it classified as. If it speaks to me I like it. I think that is evidenced by the fact that my CD collection contains everything from Hall and Oats, John Mellencamp, Billy Joe Shaver to The Gaither vocal Band. OK, I forgot Train, SCC and.... I better stop. I was also a disc jockey for about 5 years and I know every album cut on pretty much every album from 1970-1988!
Back to the point of this blog. Good News.
Last night I saw a little interview with Joel Osteen. I like Joel. I know, I know here we go again. But I think he is sincere. He wants to get the word out that Jesus had some good news for us. Yes, we will have some hard times, things will be difficult, but good news is at the base of our lives when we choose to follow Jesus.
Now recently I have called my own belief system into question a lot. I am a very open, accepting person. I don't like to draw lines in the sand or put up barriers. And oddly enough this seems to cause people to question my true beliefs. It seems that in today's Christian world that you must walk a certain walk and talk a certain talk in order to show others that you are truly a Christian. It is so bad that it seems you must vote a certain way and have a certain agenda.
Whew! Beam me up Scotty!
Where did this come from? How did we get to this point?
The Jesus I see in the Bible, walked and talked and extended himself to many different people. He did it in a pretty regular way. Down to earth, face to face, hand to hand. To the heart. Good news. Yes, he has some things to say. But when I read I see a lot of admonishion being sent toward those who thought they had it all figured out. Those who had their rules and regulations memorized and who were not willing to change.
Wow, sounds a lot like us. At least sounds a lot like the Christian radio stations I hear hear on a daily basis, the people in the leadership roles at lots of churches and various other members of the religous mainstream.
I want to clarify that I am not down on church or religion. I am not trying to bad mouth anyone. But I am trying to say that I think being a true follower of Christ will cause us some problems with the religious establishment, some times with our own churches.
Jesus in my mind was pretty radical in the things he did at the time he did them.
He wasn't poplular with those who were considered the Moral majority of the day. He called them on it too!
What a novel concept. I continue to read about Jesus to listen closely to his words and to dissect his actions. But last night Joel made a point, Good news is really pretty simple. He is there for us. Where we are. We can come, he is ready. Life won't be perfect. We will struggle with our issues and we will question. But Good news never changes. You don't have to complicate it.

I'm off to the Mellencamp concert in a few weeks with my two kids aged 10 and 8. We will all enjoy it and are very excited. My sister and her boy friend are also going. We will bond in the music. I can tell you that in that environment with that music I will have my spiritual moments. Where you least expect them. Becaue that music speaks to me.
Good News does too.
My new resolution I guess it is my mid year resolution is to let the Good News help me stay focused. To let the Good news light the darkness that sometimes creeps in. To stay focused on the Good. To keep walking, to journey on. To stop focusing on the dissappointments that seem to happen in multiples on a daily basis lately. To trust and walk. Always knowing Good news is there waiting and I can touch it.

Tolerance or respect?

2005-05-31T06:26:00.000-05:00

Tolerance, that word. Someone used it with me recently. If you know me you understand what a mistake that can be. I don't really believe in tolerance in general. For me tolerance implies superiority. To tolerate something is to allow it to happen in your presence without stopping it. It implies that you really don't like or understand it but you won't fight it.
Wow! Love, acceptance, understanding, those are much better words.
Each has their place depending on the situation.
I may tolerate activities, but I don't think I should ever feel I am tolerating people. People are to be loved, understood and respected.
I find in our society we tolerate what we don't understand, but in that action we can hold it a distance away. We don't have to try to see the person behind it. We don't have to drop the divisions and try to understand. We can just tolerate and move on.
Very often in the moment where we make the decision about how to take our next step with someone who brings is out of our comfort zone, we either learn or run. I see it in life all the time.
A situation presents itself and it is a little different that the norm. What do we do, if we can, we usually chose not to go there. But to continue on the path we have walked before.
I can think of so many examples, but a few include: Social status, race, culture, physical disability, religion, differing philosophy and the most common FEAR.

How often we chose to turn away from these things is a direct indication of our unwillingness to grow and understand others. The amount of time we spend being comfortable is a direct indication of our lack of growth.

Someone recently asked me about my philosophy on how I try to live my life. I said I try to live the Jesus life. Not so much religion with the barriers it imposes, but pure Jesus. I explained this meant to me that I had to meet people where they were, see them as people, help them with their needs, speak the truth and offer them acceptance, while at the same time showing them a better way in some cases.
"What a radical concept" was the response. At first I was shocked. Then I realized. We don't often really do this. In fact I can tell you that some of my toughest moments happen at church. Church people usually like safety. They love to feel secure in their knowledge and their practices. Don't shake it up by suggesting something new or different or Jesus like. Keep it comfortable for the masses. Keep it comfortable and keep it safe. Say the right things, do the right things in the right context. No stones thrown or beheadings will happen here because there will never be that much controversy. We will keep it safe. Now a lot of people won't get their needs met. A lot of people won't feel accepted. A lot of people will go away feeling more lost and confused. But WE, we will feel OK. Because none of those in our inner circle were made to feel a little uncomfortable. None were asked to stretch.
I am not angry. I make mistakes all day long every day and I can be a little grouchy. But how much longer. When will we understand. When will we try. Will we continue on this path. Because I don't think this is the narrow path that we are suppose to be walking. I don't think that narrow path is a creed, I think it's a lifestyle. I think it is the woman at the well, the Samaritan, the man in the ditch. Not the people in the temple but the people at work and at school and at church! That is why there will be few who find the path. The path is not on our normal route. We might have to take a detour.
By now you may have had enough. I tend to rant from time to time:) But what will you do? Did you tolerate the message? Or did you seek to understand it? Today my challenge is to learn to understand you. To listen when I want to talk. To be open to challenge of my beliefs when I want to shut down and walk away.
Wow, it does often feel like a battle. What I have found though, is if I take the first few steps in the direction of discomfort and wait a while, I often learn so much and even enjoy much of the process.

Leap of Faith

2005-04-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

Leap of Faith.
I don't know about you but sometimes I have to act on faith. Sometimes no matter how hard I try to know what the best course of action is, I come up even more confused. So eventually I just have to leap......
Life is full of these kinds of choices. For the last year and a half I have had to choose faith almost every day. No matter how I crunch the numbers on some things I can't get the answers to balance (little accountants humor::)
It gets really interesting when you feel you do know what you are suppose to do and then you have a hard time figuring out how it should be done. When you know you have tried and finally left it up to God to show you the way. Then when answers come to you and you are secure in your choices you can move forward. It may not be easy. Others may not understand. The evil one will throw up all his defenses. But your faith can win out. If you do not give up.
What is faith? I like this quote:
When you come to the edge of all the light you know,
and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly.

Faith comes in all shapes and sizes, to people, organizations, churches, groups,etc. You name it. The problem is that the more we organize ourselves the less we rely on it. We start to trust our systems. I wonder what we miss. I wonder who we don't serve. I wonder.
I don't know. I could be wrong. But I think :

Faith is a living and unshakable confidence. a belief in God so assured that a man would die a thousand deaths for its sake. -- Martin Luther

For we walk by faith, not by sight. -- Corinthians 5:7

Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. -- Saint Augustine

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -- Hebrews 11:1

Faith leads us beyond ourselves. It leads us directly to God. -- Pope John Paul II

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. -- Helen Keller
AND

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
--Albert Einstein

I hope we don't succomb to the mentality that we should act always on our own opinion. Or on what our rational mind can tell us. I hope that often we will lay down our defenses and ask God to lead us. Many times it will be into uncharted territory that our physical body will fight. But it is there we find the most beautiful part of the journey. Once again will you walk with me?

What now?

2005-04-02T07:32:00.000-06:00

I guess by now we all know the sad resolution to the Terry Shiavo case. Many people can now get back to the normal routine of their lives. For me it will linger. One thing that really struck me and will continue to be something I ponder is the fact that in this country now, it is wrong to be voiceless. If circumstances put you in a place where you cannot express your feelings, you are considered as good as dead. There is actually a disability group called "Not Dead Yet". The only thing we really know about people like Terry is that they have not YET found a path to communicate with us. That is ALL that science can actually prove. There are medical diagnosis that are questionable at best. And that is a point that can be debated strongly on several sides. But for sure, many doctors will agree if you push them, that they make clinical diagnosis based on clinical presentation and that is a physical manifestation and not a neurological one. It cannot be proven because unless you can "get into" someone's head and read their thoughts you don't know what thoughts they have if any.
I won't go into all the stories I have read about people who could not communicate to others that they were still in there and were forced to listen to doctors tell their families there was no hope, withdraw life support,etc. Luckily circumstances have sometimes provided means for these few to be able to find their voice before it was too late.
I hope that if the Terry Shiavo case does one thing, it will start a push for better understanding of people who have suffered a brain injury. I hope it will lead to further investigation. Living Wills are what most people seem to have taken away from this case, but if the diagnosis is questionable that point isn't so important.
We are all just a stroke, car accident, bad fall, heart attack or other accident away from this puzzling condition. It can happen to anyone at any time. When it is someone else it is easy to make value judgments. When it is you or your loved one, you may look at if differently.

This week in history

2005-03-21T06:44:00.000-06:00

This past week as I have watched the Terri Schiavo case unfold on TV and the internet, I have once again asked, what is life? Oh, I know the basics. But who are we. Where do we exist? Do we care at some point about our earthly existance? When are we in the spiritual realm. When the physical. Can we be caught between?
We were known in the womb by God. Before we were able to communicate with our fellow travelers. At what point upon exit do we slip the physical into the spiritual again. Where does the brain stop and he spirit take over?
Of course in all forms we can be one with God. But in some places we can communicate more clearly with him. In some less clearly.
I have been pondering this question for many months now. Before this case took the national spotlight. I know that life doesn't end because we can no longer communicte in an earthly way. I know that man is shallow and wants what is known. I know that as a people we reject the unknown and turn away from it. We wish to go back to the routine. When we step out into an area of unknown we either grow in in or run from it. There is the chance for new understanding, but not if we let fear take over.
In the case of Terri and many others like her, the medical community, the human race at large and even many of her loved ones, friends and family have rejected the notion that she is still Terri. That she is not gone, but changed. That her means of communication have changed but not her SOUL.
Let's hope that she and those caught in the state such as hers are having wonderful communion with God and that we can learn to work with them in their changed states, and not rush to what we feel comfortable with but learn to walk a new path. For fear of the unknown will cause us great loss. It is in the taking of new paths that we can grow and stretch our understanding. We could learn so much, we could grow so much, but instead we choose to turn away and ask for a quick ending to this unknown experience.
How many other situations cause us to turn away. An unknown language, a differenet appearance, a handicap that makes us uncomfortable, a different social standing. Chances lost.
Where do we meet God? In the known and comfortable? Maybe, just maybe in the face of the unknown we stand a better chance for communion with him and he with us.
Let's all pray that we start to understand we are not just physical creatures. This is a short journey of flesh. But our spiritual side, no matter how we understand it and accept it is the stronger of the two, the more long lasting and sadly the least understood.
Let's embrace the unknown and learn from it.

My little hero

2005-02-07T06:33:00.001-06:00

I don't usually post two blogs in one day but something has been on my mind for a while and I think I need to make it known! I have a little hero that I admire. Someone who never ceases to amaze me with his courage and bravery. My son. In the past year and a half he and his sister have almost lost their father. They have moved to a new state for the first time in the US life and they have had to make all new friends and start their lives over. They have both been brave in this and have both earned my admiration. But my son has a few additional hurdles that have caused him to be set back in ways that would have daunted most adults. But he just keeps moving forward, stepping out and keeping his good attitude. He is in the situation where he gets corrected more than praised, often! I don't think I could stand up to the things he has been able to move through.
One example is hockey. When we were thinking of moving here to Alabama my husband researched hockey first. If there was no hockey league for 8 years olds then I guess it wouldn't work out for us. But we found one and so after being here about a month my son was signed up for one hockey clinic after another. He had never been on ice in his life.. Yet he stepped out onto that cold ice with a group of people he had never met, none who looked like him or reflected his ethnicity and he excelled. He did the same when he was signed up for a week long hockey (day camp) and he was the smallest kid there. He got plowed over by a kid who looked to weigh at least 200 lbs and he got up and kept on skating. He signed up and got ready for his first season and his dad had to travel out of the country during his first practice so I took him. He was new and not yet "in" with the other kids on the team and I felt uneasy about it. For his second practice his dad was back in town (3 days) and took him. He came home and we talked, he shared my concerns about the team and we worried. The next day on the phone we worried again about my son and all the challenges he was facing. Then that afternoon the accident.
My son sat out of hockey for a month. Then he started back just before the first official game. The emotion I felt when walking into that arena was so heavy it almost knocked me down. I felt I needed to run from the building. But my son went in and played a great game. Scored several goals and was named MVP for that game. He went on that season to help lead his team to the best record in that league. He was a top player. Made the all star house team. He had a very encouraging coach who never failed to pat him on the back and let him know how proud he was of him and he thrived on that. I had trouble going to the games all season because it was just too much for me. And I know my son had to feel this pressure too.
Yet this year, he suited up and started playing again. This time he was dealing with lots of emotional baggage from the summer and from other issues, but he was able to continue on. He is on a different team this year, different styles and he is struggling. He still has the talent and determination, but as I watched yesterday from the sidelines I saw him being corrected on his mistakes. I heard calls to other players about what a great job they were doing, but I didn't hear much encouragement yelled to my son. And he did more things right than he did wrong. With so many kids to help I know that will happen, but I also knew it could be very damaging to him. I expected him to walk off the ice dejected and ready to quit. But he came off with a smile, happy that they had won the game. He never ceases to amaze me. He is truly sent for a special purpose. He deserves much more than I can give him. I wonder how long he can continue with his good attitude and unbroken spirit. I know that age and life can take a toll. But I will try to protect him and continue to help him through life's experiences.
But I just wanted anyone who is reading to know he is my hero. And I should have shared this long ago.

Reflections

2005-02-07T06:33:00.000-06:00

I am one of those people who often reflects on my childhood. I recall people and places that made an impact on me.
There are two ministers who served at my childhood church during my teens who really impacted my life. I think it is OK to go ahead and use their names.
One was John Payne. He was a man with such a gentle spirit. Always able to say things in a way that were profound, founded in truth and yet soothing. But he was an honest man and he was respected in our community. As we grow up we often lose touch and we wonder how people are doing in their new life circumstances. I haven't talked to John Payne in years. I talked to his youngest son when I decided to adopt my son. He is a doctor and I wanted medical advice. He was very helpful. Yet when that happened I realized that we can often build up a memory in our mind and then when we are allowed to revisit those people we see them from our grown up vantage point. No disappointment just difference. It is sometimes hard to reconcile the new reality with what we have idealized. Life changes.
This week I spoke for the first time in 22 years with the minister who performed my wedding. His name is Benny Benjamin and he is one of the people I respect most from my childhood. Benny is also kind, gentle and understanding. He worked with us as a group of kids in a small church in TN with patience and love.
He was always willing to step out and do things that were not "in line" with the status quo. Benny and his wife Judy adopted children while they were at our church and after. They hosted en exchange student from Iran in the late 70's or early 80's. They demonstrated God's love without boundaries. I don't know if I put those things in my mental image or what but seems my life in many ways has been similar, if less to be admired. So this past week we were talking about Benny and I looked him up on the wonderful internet and found him. I picked up the phone and called him not knowing if he would remember me. He really helped me. We talked about his life now and my life now and he made two statements that really opened my eyes. The first was humorous to me. He said "Do you still sing?" For years in my teen life, singing and being a part of a band was all that I lived for. I really thought that someday it would be my career. We performed at every summer wedding for a couple summers, at church get togethers, at office parties,etc. Our group changed forms several times but it always was such an important part of our lives. But today those who know me and even those who have known me for 15 years or so probably have no clue that it was once such an important part of my life. And that is fine. I don't have those dreams anymore. It was just fun to be reminded.
Second, when I was telling Benny about the new school and some of the other adventures I have undertaken in the last 10+ years he said "You were always that way" and he said it in a good way. Wow. Someone who knows me. Someone who understands my spirit. Someone who I can share my history with.
In my current life situation there are many good people. Many kind people. Many people who are influencing my life. But I always feel like I am treading water, trying to establish my identity with them. I fear they see my in a rather one or two dimensional way and not as I really am.
My life circumstances have caused me to approach people in a different way and I am sure that is what God wants and what I am suppose to be learning. But it is hard.
No one wants to have to sell themselves to others. We want people to just see us for who we are and for who God made us to be.
I know that the past experiences in my life have been though God and for him. They don't have anything to do with me. And there is much more that is yet to be done.
I was brought to where I am now for a reason and I am sure of that. I try to ask everyday to be shown what I need to do and to make sure that I am doing it for the right reasons.
But, it's a very slippery slope to climb. My roots in life have always been wide and shallow. Easily transplanted to the next situation or place. Not what I would have chosen and often extremely frustrating.
I don't know where I am going or who I will meet along the way. That is why I really do consider my life a journey.
But I do have faith that I am not alone.
So I keep walking to the new experiences, but it is good when you get the chance to revisit old friends. To ground yourself a bit with your own history. Because it is often forgotten in the rush for new identity.

Standing on the edge of the earth

2005-01-21T21:30:00.000-06:00

When I was a teenager I thought I was going to someday be a famous singer. I sang in lots of little accapella groups and a few bands during my teen years. The summer wedding season was very busy for a couple of summers!
I remember one of my favorite things to do was to imagine how I would answer the interview questions as a guest on the Merv Griffin show. Now some of you don't know who Merv is but his show was an afternoon precurser to the modern day afternoon variety shows. And if you were a hip and happening act you would get to visit his show, sing a song and sit down to answer questions about yourself.
Quite the self centered adventure.
During these days I wrote many angst ridden songs.
One I thought of today was called Standing On the Edge of the Earth.
The very simple line was
I feel I'm standing on the edge of the earth,
with my thumb out.
Watching people pass me by.
....
It goes on........

But now as I am older I understand the lyric from a different point of view.....

If anyone is interested I still have my Merv Griffin interview ready to go..

My New Year's Resolutions

2004-12-31T18:48:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year.

This year don't worry so much about your weight, your age or your bad habits.
Spend more time making friends, playing with children and talking to God.
Think a little each day about others who are in need and then take action.
Widen your circle to include those you haven't considered before.
Open your arms and embrace someone totally different from yourself.
Notice the stars at night, the sunset and the sunrise.
Smell fresh cut grass and cucumbers.
Listen to the sweet sound of children's laughter.
Open a book and explore a new world.
Forget the traffic and enjoy the journey.
Never forget your humanity.
When you feel sad for yourself, help someone else.
But take time to acknowledge your losses and cherish your gains.
Make memories and then visit them from time to time.
When you say good bye, say hello to someone new.
And most of all, raise your arms to God and seek his face.
He is already waiting.

If A Man Could

2004-12-16T19:23:00.000-06:00

This past Sunday I was once again reminded of all the little things that men in society do for women on occasion.
When I was a child I remember hearing my dad talk with his male friends and often the phrase "If a man could, or if a man had.... " would start a sentence. It was always following with a manly pursuit of a manly idea. Such as a new way to build something. We often joked about it as we were growing up.
I don't know if others ever heard this or something similar in their childhood but it made an impression on my siblings and I.
Over the years I have been a very take charge type gal. I often feel I can do anything and most of the time have done many things that other women leave for the men to do.
But since my husband's accident I have been reminded of how many little things he did around the house. Things as simple as changing a light bulb that is too high for me to comfortably climb the ladder. (Outside flood lights are the worst!)
Or finishing off drywall in our unfinished basement room. Or changing oil in my car,etc.
Many friends from church and neighbors have helped me with these things in the past year +.
I want to thank them for all their time and energy. They know who they are but I will name a few, Garry, Jim, Zach, Brian, thank you!
Just this past Sunday as we were ready to leave church we found that the battery in the van was dead. Luckily Garry was still around the building and he and Ky came out and jumped it off for me. (After much discussion on who had the best tools,etc.) Times like this make me realize how vulnerable I feel to be trying to take care of my family without my husbands wonderful guidance.
I feel it most in raising my 10 year old son. There are so many things he needs his dad for and I hope that someday he will have him to share those things with again.
But in the present time, I appreciate your help. And I ask "If a man could.... "

That's not fair; but it's right.

2004-12-07T15:04:00.001-06:00

For as long as I can remember, my dad has been willing to help other people. He has also always been willing to share with others. Sometimes our dinner time meal seemed sparse, especially the meat. But my dad would never fail to invite the neighborhood kids who were hanging around to join us. This really used to get under my skin. Why would he do that.
As we got older there always seemed to be extra people at our house. I remember a night when a lady who was afraid of her husband spent the night for safety. I remember various aunts and uncles and cousins using our house as a stop over, sometimes for months at a time.
We didn't have much. We usually didn't get any reimbursement for the help we gave others. I just never thought this was fair.
My parents never failed to offer what we had to others. After I grew up and left home when people would ask me to give an example of true christianity, my mind always went back to my parents.
Especially my dad.
He was always willing to take elderly shut-in's food. To take someone to the doctor or other appointment. He never asked for gas money and usually refused any type payment. He would spend his spare time cutting and hauling wood for church members, most of whom had much more than we did. He didn't get paid but he was always willing. I was always a little upset with these "others" who seemed to have more and seemed to me to be willing to take advantage.
But one thing I noticed is that my dad didn't complain, he didn't ask for anything in return and he never seemed upset by it.
He often sacrified what he could have been doing for himself or our family to do these things. He was willing to give when it cost him something he could have done for himself.
Now this really got to me.
We have a fun family memory that we often bring up. It was fair: My mom used to buy a half gallon of ice cream and instead of having ice cream spooned into bowls we had it cut into 7 thin slices served on a plate. That made sure we all got an equal piece.
Also, I thought my mom loved chicken necks. She always ate them when we were young. I didn't realize until I was away from home that she really loved the white meat just like the rest of us.
My point is that giving to others can take many forms. But the purest form that reflects what Jesus told us to do is the giving that requires self sacrifice.
We can do many things of our excess. Be it time, money, talent or other things and we may feel really good. We may bless people in the process and of course I don't think we should stop. But when we give of the things we could use ourselves and we sometimes even need that is when we are truly giving in the biblical sense.
I get it now.
When we try to actually give of what we have to the point that we actually feel it, others won't understand. But that is when we meet Jesus.
That is why Jesus says that pure/ true religion is helping the widows and orphans. Then we have to get into the messy part of life. We have to give of ourselves not just our means.
We have to sacrifice time we could have used otherwise.
We have to forgo something we wanted and needed to do for ourselves to take the time for others.
It is a hard lesson to really learn. I would venture to say that the majority of what we do in our benevolence programs is at a surface level. There are those within those programs who really work with the people and really give of themselves but most of us are giving of our excess.
I wouldn't trade my childhood for a picture perfect childhood. I am now very thankful that we didn't have very much. I am thankful that I often wanted what I could not have but others could. I am happy that I saw my parents help others with their modest means. I learned so much. But it took a while for it to sink in and it often left me angry and frustrated.
I can't just drive past someone in need. I can't say no. I can't spend much time focusing on my own problems because there are just too many things that still need to be done.
And daily I still miss it on so many levels.
For some of us it is a slow process. It is not fair in our earthly sense of fairness. But it is right.

Mark 12:41-44 41 And he sat down over against the treasury, and beheld how the multitude cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much. 42 And there came a poor widow, and she cast in two mites, which make a farthing. 43 And he called unto him his disciples, and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, This poor widow cast in more than all they that are casting into the treasury: 44 for they all did cast in of their superfluity; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
Luke 21:1-4 1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men that were casting their gifts into the treasury. 2 And he saw a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. 3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, This poor widow cast in more than they all: 4 for all these did of their superfluity cast in unto the gifts; but she of her want did cast in all the living that she had.

This is such a powerful scripture, but I fear we fail to understand it. It doesn't just apply to money. But time, possessions, etc. Would you give your coat to someone who was cold if you would be cold after you had done it. Would you give your last 5 dollars to a guy on the streetcorner. Would you squeeze another chair under the table that is already full of people?

During this holiday season lets look around and see who we can serve and how we can do it. Not just by giving a $20 to the soup kitchen. But by inviting someone into our homes. By taking time to listen to someone who is in need, by offering help where it is needed and not just where we want to give it.
Start with the widows and fatherless and keep going. I'll meet you there..I hope.....

E-Mail

2004-12-02T07:22:00.000-06:00

I just realized I can use my blogspot to point out the social ills of society! What a great outlet. Seriously, I have been wrestling with a totally computer generated problem for a while now and this seems like the perfect place to discuss it and get feedback on it.
E-Mail!
What a great invention. I love it. I can type at my leisure and communicate with friends all over the world.
But I have found a drawback to email.
Lack of response! Or lack of acknowledgement. You know the scene. You email someone sharing something really exciting and then you anxiously await their response. Days later you realize you are not going to get one. So you write again, gently asking them if they got the first email. Sometimes they respond, yeah.... Sometimes no response.
What is it about email that causes us to just ignore the person who sent it.
We read it and then we just don't write back. Sometimes we really enjoyed the email and were really excited about what the person said but we are too busy at that moment to respond and then we forget later. Sometimes we just are not interested and since it was email we can pretend we never got it!
Really, I think email that isn't responded to is like a one sided phone conversation. It's like a hang up after you said your part. CLICK.
It is highly frustrating for those of us with only a pinch of patience.
I guess the good old telephone is still the best means of communication when you really want to have a two sided conversation!
So come on, please respond with at least, "Got your email, respond later" :)

The Voice of Truth

2004-11-22T11:51:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a weekend! Friday night concert, Sat. lunch Thanksgiving, Sat afternoon birthday party, Sunday church and Sunday afternoon hockey game. (YEAH, Duncan scored three goals!)
I am exhausted.
But I have to share my Friday night concert experience.
We went to see Steven Curtis Champman and Casting Crowns. We love both and felt it would be great fun. We got meet and greet passes for after the show. I want to thank SCC for taking time to talk and take pictures with us again. He is always so gracious with his fans. The show was wonderful, but calling it a concert doesn't do it justice. It was a worship experience.
There was much adoption discussion with SCC because of his own adoption experiences. He also talked a lot of his family.
Mark with Casting Crowns talked a lot about Dyslexia and ADD and how he was still able to be used the in the way that God wanted. That hit home as well.
But the song, the Voice of Truth reduced me to tears as it spoke so well of my current feelings.
So I wanted to share a little of that song here.
If you get the chance you need to attend this concert when it visits your town. You will be blessed and have a great time as well.

The Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!
"The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

© 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music (Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI / Sparrow Song / Peach Hill Songs (admin by EMI Christian Music Publishing) / BMI. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Toward the light

2004-11-18T06:43:00.000-06:00

Imagine for a moment that your life ended NOW. No warning, no time to plan. It is just over as you know it. Suddenly you are walking toward a light. You see others also moving in the same direction. At first you notice they are from all different parts of your world. They have different skin colors and nationalities. Different languages, even different beliefs and lifestyles. But as you get closer to the light, you are starting to notice the distinctions are being lost in how you are all different. And by the time you arrive at the source of light somehow you are all the same. Reduced to your essence. You look around and try to find something to distinguish you from the rest, but there is now nothing. You are all the same. Beings without separation.
Conversation has started, you are asked as everyone else is, to talk about what you have done with your existance. How did you interact with the others souls who stand with you now. It is difficult to explain your actions, as national origin, skin color, religion and all those other earthly dividers are irrelevant. All that matters is how you treated and were treated by your fellow human souls.
How can you justify your actions now? What will you say? You rejected someone for what reason? You caused someone pain because they were different. You approved the mass killings why? You felt somehow chosen or vidicated in your actions because you were from where, because you believed what? But here they are standing with you and now you are all the same. You all need to have reasons for your actions and you can't use those earlthy dividing lines anymore. How will it work. What can you say?
Are your reasons for your actions justified in the light. Can you explain?
Then why do we use them now. Why can't we understand that these things are excuses for our behavior not reasons to justify our actions. We are back now, walking here in our world. With the light gone, the divisions are back too. How will we react?

How did I get here?

2004-11-14T14:48:00.000-06:00

How Did I Get Here?
Two years ago I would never have imagined leaving Tennessee. I had friends, a network of organizations and non profit causes I was involved in. My children had friends, my husband had a job. My family, his family, there was so much in that one place for us. I couldn't see it any other way. And honestly, I didn't want to. We have a professional hockey team and a professional football team in Middle Tennessee for goodness sakes:) !
So how is it that a year and a half later I find myself in Alabama. The one state I said I would never consider living in? ( I'll explain that one later..) When the subject first came up that we consider a move here I was against it. But I tried to be open minded. I weighed the pro's and con's. But I kept getting messages, you should go. I also kept getting the message that something tragic would happen, but still we should go....
So, we did. 6 months later, we were settled into our new home, the kids were in a school they loved, they were making friends and I had just planted the perfect River Birch tree in my wonderfully self landscaped front yard :) I came in for a quick shower and bite of lunch before going to pick the kids up at school, then the phone rang... ...
Life changes.
We can't control what happens. In the time since the phone rang I have wondered should we stay or should we go. In fact I wonder a little about it every day.
I moved a lot as a kid, I attended 8-9 schools from 1st -12th grade. I moved a lot in my marriage. Probaby 20 times. I have always been afraid to put down roots. Afraid to be too open, afraid to give too much. It hurts when you have to say goodbye.
Today in church I looked around at our minister, his wife, friends from our group and others I am starting to know and I felt that I was suppose to be here, that these people were some how meant to be in my life. Now honestly, I still feel very lonely, like a stranger in a strange land. And I realize that even though some days I feel very close to these people, many days I look at them and wonder just who they are. I keep thinking, how did I get here and how do I go home again. (Where are those Ruby slippers?) You know what, it's true you can't. I wouldn't know where it was. We are where we are and I don't know what will happen tomorrow. The journey continues....

2004-11-12T16:32:00.000-06:00

The journey home.

Haven't accomplished much, but I dream of more.

2004-11-12T12:48:00.000-06:00

This is my all time favorite song lyric. To me it speaks to the fact that people really never know us. We can have all kinds of good intentions in our heart but they cannot always be seen. Sometimes we are so different on the outside from what we feel on the inside. Sometimes people don't really understand us and don't really have clue what we would like to let them know. And sometimes we don't know either.
The title of my blog is My Journey Now. Taken from a classic gospel tune "I wouldn't take nothin for my Journey now." Don't know who wrote it but I think the Goodman's sang it.
Life is a journey. Each step an experience. We don't know the length or the path we will travel but one thing is for sure, it's a journey that we don't even control. Some of us are so obsessed with getting to the end that we don't notice the path. I do think we need to keep our eyes on the goal, but we have to live day to day, minute to minute no matter what life has thrown our way. And sometimes when we get the thing we didn't expect or even that we were most afraid of we find something in the journey that is an unexpected joy.
I look at life like a journey that we take. We were set on the path before we could know it and we will walk down the winding path with little sense of direction unless we trust that someone else is guiding our steps. We can dream our dreams and fill our heart with good intentions, but better lets try to open our heart and pour out our dreams on the path... for others to enjoy on their walk.

The River

2004-11-11T18:09:00.000-06:00

Last night Live By Request on A & E featured John Mellencamp. I am sure this was to welcome my blog to the net:)
It was wonderful to watch. Commentary that so agrees with my way of thinking... :)
Also fun that my 9 year old son loved it equally. He is a drummer and loves the percussion of Mellencamp. I love the words.
So, I picked a few of his songs to profile on my blog. I like music that says something. The music itself is great and who can resist the mix of fiddle, accordian, rock guitar and kickin' drums of Mellencamp. But it is the lyrics that made me a fan.
So take a read.... Then we can talk.
Jan

To The River
They are master and slave.
We are sunlight and shadow.
All roads to the river.
I am lost. I am saved.
I'm beloved and betrayed.
All roads to the river.
And the river runs wide,
And the river runs deep
And I spit in the eye
Of safe company.
When I dive right down
To the undertow
Well, the deeper I drown
Lord, the higher I'll go.
I am whispering dreams.
I am howling revolutions.
All roads to the river.
I am valentine sweet
And I live in this nightmare.
All roads to the river.
And the river runs wide,
The river runs deep
And I spit in the eye
Of safe company.
When I dive right down
To the undertow
Well, the deeper I drown
Lord, the higher I'll go.
This is nothing like we planned.
That's the way it's always been.
All roads to the river.
I have hated and I have loved.
I have prayed and I have sinned.
All roads to the river.
And the river runs wide,
The river runs deep
And I spit in the eye
Of safe company.
When I dive right down
To the undertow
Well, the deeper I drown
Lord, the higher I'll go.
J. Mellencamp

Human Wheels

2004-11-11T18:06:00.000-06:00

Human Wheels
This land today, shall draw its last breath
And take into its ancient depths
This frail reminder of its giant, dreaming self.
While I, with human-hindered eyes
Unequal to the sweeping curve of life,
Stand on this single print of time.
Human wheels spin round and round
While the clock keeps the pace.
Human wheels spin round and round
Help the light to my face.
That time, today, no triumph gains
At this short success of age.
This pale reflection of its brave andBlundering deed.
For I, descend from this vault,
Now dreams beyond my earthly fault
Knowledge, sure, from the seed.
Human wheels spin round and round
While the clock keeps the pace.
Human wheels spin round and round
Help the light to my face.
This land, today, my tears shall taste
And take into its dark embrace.
This love, who in my beating heart endures,
Assured, by every sun that burns,
The dust to which this flesh shall return.
It is the ancient, dreaming dust of God.
Human wheels spin round and round
While the clock keeps the pace.
Human wheels spin round and round
Help the light to my face.
Human wheels spin round and round
While the clock keeps the pace.
Human wheels spin round and round
Help the light to my face.
J. Mellencamp

Mansions In Heaven

2004-11-11T18:02:00.000-06:00

The old paper mill stinks up the beaches
As I walk along the ocean shore.
I'm just a plain man, thoughts full of creases,
Haven't accomplished much, but I dream of more.
Mansions in heaven, I see myself walking with the King.
The angels are descending to wrap me up in red velveteen.
I don't control much of my home life,
I'm not an old man but I'm not young anymore.
Haven't kept in contact with any of my good friends,
So I live with strangers and sleep on another man's floor.
Mansions in heaven, I see myself walking with the King.
The angels are descending to wrap me up in red velveteen.
As I pack my suit bag 'cause soon I'll be leaving,
Going back to the earth which is where I come from.
Withstood the heartache,Kept on believing,
It ain't winning or losingJust the singing of the song.
Mansions in heaven, I see myself walking with the King.
Mansions in heaven.
The old paper mill stinks up the beaches
As I walk along the ocean shore.
J. Mellencamp

Void In My Heart

2004-11-11T17:58:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wanted to say something without figuring out how? Well, I thought a good way to introduce myself was to post the lyrics to a few of my favorite songs....
Then my thoughts will follow in the next few days.

John Mellencamp.
Void In My Heart
There's a void in my heart
I can't seem to fill.
Been a parent, had three children
And a big house on the hill.
Hundred dollar in my pocket
And it didn't buy a thing.
Now there's a void in my heart
And a hole in my dreams.
Well I poured miles of concrete
And strung wire for telephones,
Dug ditches when I was a young boy
When I first left my parents' home.
Sang my songs for millions of people,
Sang good and bad news,
Now there's a void in my heart
And a fire at my fuse.
Well I did everything just like they said
So I could find happiness.
Went to school and got a college degree
And at my job I did my best.
As I sit here alone tonight
I see a billion just like me
With a void in their hearts and running from eternity.
There's a void in my heart
I can't seem to fill.
I do charity work when I believe in the cause
But in my soul it bothers me still.
Hey, Lord, well you made me like I am.
Can You heal this restlessness?
Will there be a void in my heart
When they carry me out to rest?

Wow, I have my own Blog!!

2004-11-10T10:59:00.000-06:00

Hi,
After visiting the blogs of several friends and acquaintances from Crossbridge, I realized this might be a good way to get to know others better.
I am very excited. Hope to add lots of info soon.
Please say hello.
Jan